I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
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Me as a therapist: omg same
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.