I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.