Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.