ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.