If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
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“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”