Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?