me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
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What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Try and stop me.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.