Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Rambo Rambow
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.