Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Rooting for the overdog
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg