My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.