Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.