Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay