The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me trying to walk in a dream
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ