[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat