Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
guilty
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.