interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
for all #parents out there
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.