Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Twitter is an abusement park.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…