People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Good morning
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: