Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.