Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: