The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
my first day as a raccoon
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.