Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.