normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
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This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
only 11 steps left
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.