5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
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[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
gm
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
*seductively corrects your posture*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂