“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
This will never not be funny to me.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance