911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.