A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
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Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go