Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I hope this email finds you in a well
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Ok but actually
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.