Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up