[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.