Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
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Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.