My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
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*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
this is 10/10 content no notes
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Phones down.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!