Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous