We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Meme Monday.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.