I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
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I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.