Just ordered me some pizza!
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Not my job 😂
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no