This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
RT if you could go either way.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.