If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My typo game is string.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”