My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
A drum solo but on your face.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car