[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
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[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.