Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib