Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD