5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
buying dead houseplants to save time
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Cake safety first. Always.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One