The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Does it…does it take 3 days
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…