astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away