I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.