Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Whisper out to librarians!
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
This a good idea
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc