Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
she has a point