in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
when there are deer in the woods
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
ugh not again
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.