It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
not for long
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
🤣dope
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.